Horoscopes for Literary Fire Signs

Courtesy of a woman who learned everything she knows about astrology from Google ten minutes ago

Catherine Linton née Earnshaw-Aries

Impulsive and hotheaded as you are, Aries, today may be a good day to practice patience. Listen to the counsel of those who care for you (perhaps a kindly servant, or your long-suffering husband) and think through everything thoroughly; every decision you make could have dire consequences for the generations to come.

An ex-lover will soon reenter your life, prompting you to join him in a twisted contest of affections. It would behoove you not to engage with this man. Although games can be a lot of fun (I’m talking, like, UNO or Clue), remember that life is not a game, nor are the people around you pawns. Indulge in a more relaxing hobby. Journaling. Knitting. Counting the feathers you ripped from your pillow.

Take care of your health, as a potentially fatal illness is likely to strike you in the near future. Eat your meals. Avoid open windows and temperamental men who ignite fevers in you (who also may or may not be your half-brother, I don’t know, your father was kind of weird about the whole thing).

Emma Woodhouse-Leo

You’re a natural caretaker with a desire to make sure that everyone around you is as constantly, effervescently happy as you are. While your intentions are good and generous, they can sometimes come off as bossy and patronizing to the people you’re trying to help. You’re a bit of a bulldozer, plowing over people’s wants and desires in pursuit of what you think is best for them. Today, try listening before acting.

It’s time to put yourself first for a change! Exercise some self-care! It’s great that you want to help people find love, but you deserve love, too. Put yourself out there. Maybe explore something with that hot brother-in-law of yours (I mean, you’re not technically related).

(Dang, there’s a weird amount of brother love in classic literature.)

Anne Shirley-Sagittarius

You often find yourself prone to flights of fancy, living in fairy worlds or grand, royal castles. Your imagination is admirable and has allowed you to survive the toughest of conditions. But you’re approaching a new phase of your life, one where talking to your reflection, dying your hair lime green, and getting drunk in the forest may not be entirely proper.

You’re also a bit. . .let’s say headstrong. This can be a good thing because it means you don’t take crap from anyone. However, it can also get you into sticky situations if it leads to you raging at the world. Learn to temper your emotions. Try some breathing exercises. Envision a calm, blue sea. Remember: beating someone with a slate is not an appropriate response to being called “carrots.”

And hey! Maybe you oughta give that little rapscallion who likes to rag on you a chance. At least he’s not your brother.

Storyteller. Lover of cats. Holding a BA in English/Creative Writing from Point Park University. She/her.